Absurd Patents

These are Patently Absurd!

 

Some brilliant ideas just don't end up so 'brilliant'.

Here is our list of funny patents for ideas which must have really been something at one time - but they ended up a bit crazy once they were finally patented. Sometimes thinking 'outside the box' leads to the craziest end results. At least most of these are good for a laugh.

 

 

Rockin' Santa
U.S. Patent # 3820265
Title: Animated Display
Absurdity Rating: 3
patent image
Description: HO! HO! HO! Gotta love your Santa so much to want that your neighbors don't copy him. Looking good celebrating the spirit of Christmas - monopoly style. Ho - Hum.
patent imageLove Forever
U.S. Patent # 4194629
Title: Love Box
Absurdity Rating: 4
Description: 'Open my Love Box Baby!' Love that can never run out is the subject of this patent by the most romantic inventor of all time. Great fun always stirs the imagination to extremes. I wonder how the final sales tally added up on this one?
Piss Beer
U.S. Patent # 7037541
Title: Alcoholic Beverages Derived From Animal Extract
Absurdity Rating: 6
patent image
Description: Yep, you heard it here first - a guy got a patent on 'PissBeer'. And you thought PBR had a strangely bad taste of horse urine. Japanese inventor Okada has decided to teach how to make alcohol beverages from 'liquid animal extract'. Yum, yum. Can't wait for this one to take off in popularity at the local fraternity.
patent image'Fresh Air'
U.S. Patent # 4320756
Title: Fresh Air Breathing Device
Absurdity Rating: 9
Description: To get ready for this, maybe you should take a deep breath. Holmes teaches a system to breath 'fresh air' from toilet - say for example during a building fire. Trouble is, air in the sewer could almost never be considered 'fresh' by even most liberal definitions. Compared to fire and smoke, I suppose the methane of a toilet drain might be the preferred choice. Which is more excruciating: death by fire - or death by methane inhalation? Neither seem an interesting way to end it all.
Fake Pumpkins
U.S. Patent # 5491007
Title: Carvable Artificial Pumkin
Absurdity Rating: 4
patent image
Description: A manufactured pumpkin shouldn't take the fun out of it all - What?. Where's the joy in pumpkin carving if you can't cook and eat the seeds afterwards? I guess in places where freshly grown and picked pumpkins aren't available, this is a major breakthrough which permits the fine art of pumpkin carving. By the way, where on Earth are pumpkins not available?
patent imageMoto Rescue
U.S. Patent # 5593111
Title: Safety System For Removing a Rider
Absurdity Rating: 8
Description: Holy fly-away wing batman, a motorcycle rider with a quick deploy wing to lift him away from a crash and the damage which often comes with same. A dream for any serious two-wheeled vehicle enthusiast. I think the testing that went on after the patent was issued could probably be material for some very funny reality TV. I wonder if I'd find this on YouTube - anyone?
Cyborg Man
U.S. Patent # 5638832
Title: Subcutaneous Visible Implant
Absurdity Rating: 7
patent image
Description: The line between man and machine blurs even further with the disclosure that is US Patent 5638832. This subcutaneous implant with a computer and computer display is put into our bodies to help us control chemistry therein and reporting as the performance states of various biosystems. Cyborg not too far off. Please keep an eye on US patent class 128/899.
patent imageGraffiti Artist
U.S. Patent # 5675318
Title: Graffiti Prevention Apparatus
Absurdity Rating: 9
Description: Nice idea - to stop graffiti. However, I am afraid I don't have much confidence in the execution of the technical means. 'Magnetic paint repelled by electromagnetic waves'? Did this guy fail his physics class or what? He also probably didn't score so well in his engineering classes either. 'a signal receiver in the spray canister which actuates an electromagnet to move a plug'. lol. Come on man you are killing me. I want the street art gone as much as the next guy, but after reading this, I think we are still a long way off from seeing that day.
Happy Halloween
U.S. Patent # 5878931
Title: Halloween Backpack
Absurdity Rating: 4
patent image
Description: Great system for children without arms. A backpack is configured to hold a candy receiving reservoir and chute into which candy might be inserted. I guess some children who are quite active on Halloween might gather so much candy it is easier to carry on one's back rather than in a conventional sack. Otherwise, the utility seems a bit wanting.
patent imageFry, Baby, Fry
U.S. Patent # 5896810
Title: Poultry Frying Apparatus
Absurdity Rating: 3
Description: Awe, the hot oil burns from improper turkey insertion during frying. Do you realize how many people are seen at hospitals each year due to this cause - the number must be staggering. Well, no longer. This nice trick includes a special hook and loop which couple together permitting safe insertion and removal of turkeys from oil fryers. I've been wanting to get one of these for a long time.
Keg-Head
U.S. Patent # 5966743
Title: Substance Dispensing Headgear
Absurdity Rating: 8
patent image
Description: Few true beer lovers are going to be able go another day without the benefit this provides. Now that the cat is out of the bag and this invention is fully disclosed, I don't see how hat sellers will ever make a profit again.
patent imagePen Logo
U.S. Patent # 6045281
Title: Writing Implement Attachment
Absurdity Rating: 7
Description: 'We Love the PTO'. It is no question how this patent made it to issue, flattery will get you everywhere. Only kidding! No disrespect on the patent office which is clearly nothing less than honorable. The inventor however, maybe not so much.
Pot Patch
U.S. Patent # 6113940
Title: Cannabinoid Patch
Absurdity Rating: 6
patent image
Description: Hey if they can do it with nicotine, why not THC? A little transdermal medical buzz for those who have somehow become too lazy to smoke.
patent imageFood Bra
U.S. Patent # 6241575
Title: Brassiere Having Comestible Liquids
Absurdity Rating: 9
Description: For those days when you just can't seem to find a place to hide a liquid snack, now you can wear a bra having inflatable bladders which hold 'comestible liquids'. I am guessing this is a nice trick for smuggling booze into concerts. Who is going to search the bra right? Besides, she might look fantastic with a few quarts of extra volume up front. And after the concert and consumption of the booze, who cares how one looks. I've got the feeling this one isn't going to be so big.
Big Wheel
U.S. Patent # 6752231
Title: Personal Transportation System
Absurdity Rating: 7
patent image
Description: A very nice looking car.
patent imageDeer Stomp
U.S. Patent # 6889466
Title: Deer Stomp Simulator
Absurdity Rating: 9
Description: I consider it a bit unfair for me to laugh at this concept as I have never properly shot a deer (nor even improperly). I suppose those with more experience in hunting deer might be better positioned to comment, however, it remains strangely strange to imagine a hunter in a tree stomping the ground with extended arms while hiding.
Kitchen Sink
U.S. Patent # D274350
Title: Fishing Lure
Absurdity Rating: 6
patent image
Description: When you've thrown in everything but the kitchen sink, throw it in! Great invention. I'll take two.
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